Embracing Imperfection | The Refined Collective

This post is in collaboration with The Refined Collective Series. Be sure and check out the other ladies in this wonderful group: The Refined WomanJulien GarmanBrynna WatkinsJackie Viramontez,  Lauren ScruggsRebecca Hajek and Erica Chen.


Image by Katherine Harris

Image by Katherine Harris

A few years ago, when I was rebranding Boudoir by Tutti to properly define its core values, one of the most intentional decisions I made was to eliminate the word imperfection from my vocabulary. Women would reach out to me, interested in booking a boudoir shoot with the caveat that I retouch their imperfections and then they'd list them off for me. Early in my business, I basically did whatever my clients wanted me to do. If they wanted me to get edit wrinkles, lines, skin, dimples, scars, acne, moles or any other skin feature, I'd simply do it, no questions asked. This resulted in pictures I can barely look at now without cringing. They're so over-edited and fake that I can barely stand it! Not just for the amateur aesthetic they display, but because they don't represent the woman I remember meeting and photographing that day. They don't showcase the way she made me feel or the essence of her being. Did I do a disservice to her by airbrushing her skin and erasing the marks that make her, her? The answer is yes and no. In booking a shoot, going through the experience and seeing pictures of themselves that reflect a wonderful version of themselves, these women felt joyous and beautiful. I can't discount the power of that. On the other hand, they continued on with their lives perhaps believing that what makes those pictures beautiful is the fact that those features were erased from existence, and that's certainly counts as a disservice.

I've expanded and refined my vision for women in the past seven years in a way that serves both my values and my vision for women. I'm confident we can move toward being women who not only embrace the skin we're in but also stand in the power that comes with that truth. In practical terms, what this means is refusing to use destructive words such as imperfections to refer to natural features of our physical body, embracing the features we have difficulty accepting as well as celebrating the ones we adore, being tender and loving to our bodies through wellness and continuing to fight for authenticity in relationships, interactions and media's representation of women. 

During a recent interview, I asked a woman to describe a visualization exercise where she pictured her future self. In her mind, the picture she saw, albeit a physical representation of herself, represented her actual spirit - her essence - her soul. She referenced how her children see her, how no matter what she's wearing, how congested or sick she might feel, how tired or unattractive she might appear on any given day, her children still run to her for love and comfort. They see her essence. She is enough. She is beautiful. She is worthy. It painted such a warm image in my mind about how simple this all really is. You and I don't carry imperfections - we are exactly how we are supposed to be. 

We are enough.

We are beautiful.

We are worthy. 

What if we approached our perception of ourselves in the same way children do - with carefree and joyous abandon? When there's nothing standing in our way, joy erupts. When we flip our need for our physical bodies to speak to how we feel inside and instead allow our beautiful essences to coat our physicality, we will feel worthy, seen and beautiful. Always. 

As your peer and friend, I admit this isn't the attitude I wake up with daily. It takes practice, community and tools to peel back layers of yucky residue. One of my favorite ways to center myself and feel my spirit is by using affirmations during meditation. With eyes closed, a serene environment and breath connection, I find these repeated phrases helpful in reminding me how much beauty and love rests inside me. Take yourself through your favorite meditation and use any of these powerful words to bring clarity to your own spirit and essence.

May I be filled with loving-kindness.

May I be well.

May I be peaceful and at ease.

May I be happy.

May I be appreciative and thankful.

May I be blessed with pure love and light.

May I be joyful. May I be now smiling.

May I be larger to cultivate more loving kindness.

May I be healthy.

May I live with ease.

May I be blessed.

May YOU feel ease and peace, my darlings, and may you know there are no such things as imperfections.

With love,
Tutti

// C R E D I T S //

The Refined Woman Collective
Loving kindness affirmations

 

Forgiveness

This post is written in collaboration with some of the most stellar and deep-thinking women I've met. It's a series called The Refined Collective, organized by The Refined Woman. Each month, we'll each share our thoughts on an assigned topic. This month is all about Forgiveness. Be sure and check out the other women who are a part of this Collective: Katherine Harris, Lauren Scruggs Kennedy, Chelsey Korus, Danielle Bennet,  Joanne Encarnacion and Nikia Phoenix. 

Memories of my childhood are full of laughter, fun and love all around. Looking back at pictures + videos of my elementary and middle-school years and talking to my mom about it, I'm affirmed that my friendships came in all shapes, colors, sizes, social classes and family upbringings. Years ago, when the concept of bullying started inundating the media, I remember feeling so lucky that I'd never been a victim of it or, even worse, succumbed to becoming a bully. The thought of it gives me shivers. I thought I was in the clear. As an adult, I never thought I'd go through the debilitating emotional punches of being bullied by a close friend. 

When I first moved to a new town, life was an exciting time. My days were filled with new adventures, my nights were capped with new memories and my life in general was unfolding beautifully. Professionally, I wasn't where I was hoping I'd be and some days seemed more frustrating than others but, all in all, it all felt right. I was happily living in the same building as a close friend and up until then we'd only had minor clashes as friends - the type you'd have with just about anyone you spend all your free time with. Everything flipped suddenly. Friendship was replaced with animosity. Words were laced with anger. Energy was contaminated with scorn. And the world around me became pitch-black. For six months, I had to walk through the cloud of darkness that had enveloped around my room, my apartment, my building and even my neighborhood. All interactions were contemptuous and directed at my heart. I had zero drive to pursue a creative career because my creative abilities were ridiculed, and I basically felt insecure about everything else once I allowed that to happen.  

One of the best decisions I made back then was to Forgive. I took baby steps toward reclaiming my spirit with the help of people who actually cared about me. I broke a lease in order to find a healthier living environment, I dove deep into a yoga program, I started taking pictures again, I looked for ways of meeting other photographers, and I did everything I could to let go of those dark months. But it still felt as if I was dragging a heavy burden with me. Every time I'd follow a yoga teacher's cues during meditation or Savasana to either think of a person to dedicate the practice to or someone who needs extra love in their heart, that particular person would fly into my sight. It was so frustrating. I was doing everything in my power to let go; to release myself; to move forward. I remember talking to a friend about a physical feeling I had in my sternum. It felt blocked and physically tight, similar to the feeling you get when you feel compelled to crack your neck, knuckles, toes or back, and all I wanted to do was break it open so my heart could be plump again instead of the shriveled weak thing it felt like! She advised me to sit with this feeling, to allow myself to bring this person into my heart, and to forgive. To forgive. After many, many uneasy meditations and tears, I decided to write a letter of forgiveness and actually send it. I remember a specific yoga practice a few weeks after that - I was in my new room, listening to loud melodic music, in the middle of a high lunge pose with my arms reaching far into the sky, all of a sudden the area in my sternum popped. It literally popped! I fell to the floor and started crying because I could feel the new lightness in my body. 

The stuff we go through weighs us down. It's no joke. Being bullied brought a darkness to my life that I'd never thought possible, but the power of forgiveness broke the barriers and allowed for light to shine through. The light allowed for love to come into my life once again: I met one of my best friends during that time, I received countless professional inquiries, I met a great guy, I set up an intentional business, I felt the desire to create again and I explored the possibilities of a whole new life in my new town. In a previous post, I mentioned that life can get boiled down to experiences and lessons. If that stage of life taught me anything, it's that our hearts are capable of infinite love and infinite forgiveness. Sometimes the space between the two is not as far as you'd think. In fact, very often they're right on top of each other. Though it feels icky, sticky, dark and difficult, it's a space worth claiming. 

I recently finished a book called The Hiding Place, it’s a compelling and powerful story of a Dutch woman who survived the concentration camps during the Holocaust. The book is a remarkable example of this woman - Corrie’s - ability to not only forgive but to build a life of kindness, compassion and love. There’s a ton of context leading up to the time when she and her family were actually captured. An entire chapter is dedicated to a man she loved - Karel. They’d go on walks, talk for hours, exchange meaningful looks and experience all the joys of falling in love. The story doesn’t end well for Corrie and Karel - because of his family’s social status, Karel ends up marrying another woman. In her intense and utter heartbreak, Corrie’s father shares his wisdom,

"Do you know what hurts so very much? It’s love. Love is the strongest force in the world, and when it is blocked that means pain. There are two things we can do when this happens. We can kill the love so that it stops hurting. But then of course part of us dies, too. Or, Corrie, we can ask God to open up another route for that love to travel. God loves Karel - even more than you do - and if you ask Him, He will give you His love for this man, a love nothing can prevent, nothing destroy. Whenever we cannot love in the old, human way, Corrie, God can give us the perfect way."

This paragraph struck an acute chord with me. How many of you have been heartbroken, felt the hollowing despair of the absence of love? It’s painful! That’s exactly what the absence of love feels like - real, guttural pain! But the part that really hits home is when her father explains the idea that there’s something much bigger that simply loves us for who we are, and that it’s a love that none of us can comprehend. Despite what your religious beliefs are (I don’t categorize myself as anything specific), I invite you to embrace this concept of a majestic element / being / spirit that sees love within you and everyone around you - including those who’ve perhaps hurt you in real ways. In choosing the path of forgiveness, we have an opportunity to let go of the human ties and emotions that impede us from experiencing love and instead we invite love into not only our life, but into the life of those around us as well.

The experience of forgiveness is varied because our lives are all so varied. One thing I know for sure though is that there’s so much more light in the path of forgiveness than in the path of control. As humans, the best we can do is to care for our own hearts and to try to live our best lives every single day. In my life, this includes forgiveness at every chance. I’ve let go of the desire to control outcomes, situations and even people so that I don’t create space for unnecessary disappointment in my own heart. Instead, I choose the higher way of seeing situations or people. When possible, I step out of my own human way and try to see the bigger picture. 

Whether you're going through something, have buried a hurtful past or want to cherish your beautiful heart for its infinite love, I want you to use this affirmation today when you find a quiet moment:

My heart is resilient. I spread kindness and goodwill to those around me and forgive those who've hurt me. My heart is open to love.

Sending you all infinite love,

Tutti

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This post is written in collaboration with some of the most stellar and deep-thinking women I've met. It's a series called The Refined Collective, organized by The Refined Woman. Each month, we'll each share our thoughts on an assigned topic. This month is all about Forgiveness. Be sure and check out the other women who are a part of this Collective: Katherine Harris, Lauren Scruggs Kennedy, Chelsey Korus, Danielle Bennet, Joanne Encarnacion and Nikia Phoenix.

Loving the Skin You're In

This post is written in collaboration with some of the most stellar and deep-thinking women I've met. It's a series called The Refined Collective, organized by The Refined Woman. Each month, we'll each share our thoughts on an assigned topic. This month is all about Loving The Skin You're In. Be sure and check out the other women who are a part of this Collective: Katherine Harris, Lauren Scruggs Kennedy, Chelsey Korus, Danielle Bennet, Kate Labat, Joanne Encarnacion and Nikia Phoenix. 


It was dinner time. I was hanging out at my neighbors’ house because I loved spending time with their three young daughters as they played with their toys and talked about their day. The eldest daughter, who was about five or six years old by then, looked over at me as she was braiding my hair and asked, “Why do you have so many mosquito bites on your face?”. Despite the tiny punch to my stomach and the tears that followed, I felt relieved that someone FINALLY had the courage to admit that my acne was real, that I wasn’t making it up. For so long, I had struggled with an annoying stress-and-hormone-and-everything-induced acne condition, but everyone around me kept telling me that it “wasn’t as bad as I perceived it to be” and that “I was beautiful no matter what” and that also “no one really notices it.” Well, I noticed it, dammit! Didn’t that count for something??? 

It did. It does. 

When I first started thinking about turning photography into a full-blown career, I remember comparing myself to my peers based on what they'd experienced and what I hadn't. They'd either had a rough childhood or gone through some sort of dramatic experience that led them to feel more than me - in my eyes, their voice, their expression, their work mattered more than mine. I remember feeling that I'd never create anything as compelling as them because nothing that'd happened to me had been that bad. I mention this because when it comes to digging into what we're feeling or what our story is, we're all equally worth the work and worth the freedom from it. 

It doesn't matter if it's something as seemingly simple as an acne predisposition or as serious as an eating disorder, it all matters equally. What I feel matters. What you feel matters. We all feel shitty sometimes, we all struggle with self-esteem issues, we all feel beautiful sometimes, but not so beautiful other times. It’s all real. When it comes to loving MY skin, the first step I had to take was to simply admit to myself that I didn’t have to love it ALL the time. That just wasn’t a realistic approach for me and every time someone tried to diminish what I was feeling, it just made the feeling exponentially stronger. One day, however, I was having a cup of coffee with my friend and she just blurted out something about hating her wrinkles. I looked at her in disbelief because I honestly couldn’t see what she was referring to. A lightbulb lit up in my head. Was it possible that I was looking at her through some biased lens because I deeply cared for her? Like beer goggles but instead of beer it was love? I thought back to that evening at my neighbors' and realized my young friend was acknowledging me and my biggest insecurity through eyes of innocence, and it was then that I first asked myself, “How can I be present with how I feel - and maybe a little innocent and raw - but still choose to see myself through the eyes of love?” 

We are masters of lifting our loved ones up and loving them wholly. We're all willing to accept their stories, holdups, challenges and struggles as somehow more valid than ours. The biggest challenge I’ve faced in loving myself as a whole and not despite my perceived flaws but because of them has been in turning the lens of love around on myself. One of my favorite [paraphrased] quotes is, “Care for yourself like you would the most special person in your life.” It speaks to me because I tend to give love freely, affirm others with all my heart and lift them up until they believe me, but I’ve noticed that I rarely give myself the same blessing. Does anyone relate to this? Realizing this was the first move into stepping into a life of authentic self-love. Self-love doesn’t mean the crap I sometimes feel insecure about doesn’t exist or that my story is less meaningful, it means that I choose to see a bigger picture. A more loving picture. 

What does that look like for me? I tend to eat healthier, workout harder, meditate more often, research about natural skin remedies, ask people about what’s worked for them, do more face masks, practice more fun yoga poses, wear more colorful clothing, roll deliciously scented oils all over my skin, surround myself with positive people, go out more, stay in more, and just about anything else that lights me up. This whole loving-myself-in-the-skin-I’m-in thing is one of the hardest practices I’ve honestly thrown myself into, but it’s also one of the most liberating experiences I’ve felt. No matter what your particular thing is, I’m certain you’ve experienced freedom from it at some point. Maybe it was a passing compliment, maybe it was a great mood or even something as simple as great lighting! But that powerful feeling is the closest thing to tangible that the self-love lifestyle continuously brings - if you choose it. 

Let's continue to lift each other up and to allow each of our stories to be told. In verbalizing what's holding us back from fully loving ourselves we release its hold on us and therefore create space for love to settle.

Yours in all things love,

Tutti


This post is written in collaboration with some of the most stellar and deep-thinking women I've met. It's a series called The Refined Collective, organized by The Refined Woman. Each month, we'll each share our thoughts on an assigned topic. This month is all about Loving The Skin You're In. Be sure and check out the other women who are a part of this Collective: Katherine Harris, Lauren Scruggs Kennedy, Chelsey Korus, Danielle Bennet, Kate Labat, Joanne Encarnacion and Nikia Phoenix.