Embracing Imperfection | The Refined Collective

This post is in collaboration with The Refined Collective Series. Be sure and check out the other ladies in this wonderful group: The Refined WomanJulien GarmanBrynna WatkinsJackie Viramontez,  Lauren ScruggsRebecca Hajek and Erica Chen.


Image by Katherine Harris

Image by Katherine Harris

A few years ago, when I was rebranding Boudoir by Tutti to properly define its core values, one of the most intentional decisions I made was to eliminate the word imperfection from my vocabulary. Women would reach out to me, interested in booking a boudoir shoot with the caveat that I retouch their imperfections and then they'd list them off for me. Early in my business, I basically did whatever my clients wanted me to do. If they wanted me to get edit wrinkles, lines, skin, dimples, scars, acne, moles or any other skin feature, I'd simply do it, no questions asked. This resulted in pictures I can barely look at now without cringing. They're so over-edited and fake that I can barely stand it! Not just for the amateur aesthetic they display, but because they don't represent the woman I remember meeting and photographing that day. They don't showcase the way she made me feel or the essence of her being. Did I do a disservice to her by airbrushing her skin and erasing the marks that make her, her? The answer is yes and no. In booking a shoot, going through the experience and seeing pictures of themselves that reflect a wonderful version of themselves, these women felt joyous and beautiful. I can't discount the power of that. On the other hand, they continued on with their lives perhaps believing that what makes those pictures beautiful is the fact that those features were erased from existence, and that's certainly counts as a disservice.

I've expanded and refined my vision for women in the past seven years in a way that serves both my values and my vision for women. I'm confident we can move toward being women who not only embrace the skin we're in but also stand in the power that comes with that truth. In practical terms, what this means is refusing to use destructive words such as imperfections to refer to natural features of our physical body, embracing the features we have difficulty accepting as well as celebrating the ones we adore, being tender and loving to our bodies through wellness and continuing to fight for authenticity in relationships, interactions and media's representation of women. 

During a recent interview, I asked a woman to describe a visualization exercise where she pictured her future self. In her mind, the picture she saw, albeit a physical representation of herself, represented her actual spirit - her essence - her soul. She referenced how her children see her, how no matter what she's wearing, how congested or sick she might feel, how tired or unattractive she might appear on any given day, her children still run to her for love and comfort. They see her essence. She is enough. She is beautiful. She is worthy. It painted such a warm image in my mind about how simple this all really is. You and I don't carry imperfections - we are exactly how we are supposed to be. 

We are enough.

We are beautiful.

We are worthy. 

What if we approached our perception of ourselves in the same way children do - with carefree and joyous abandon? When there's nothing standing in our way, joy erupts. When we flip our need for our physical bodies to speak to how we feel inside and instead allow our beautiful essences to coat our physicality, we will feel worthy, seen and beautiful. Always. 

As your peer and friend, I admit this isn't the attitude I wake up with daily. It takes practice, community and tools to peel back layers of yucky residue. One of my favorite ways to center myself and feel my spirit is by using affirmations during meditation. With eyes closed, a serene environment and breath connection, I find these repeated phrases helpful in reminding me how much beauty and love rests inside me. Take yourself through your favorite meditation and use any of these powerful words to bring clarity to your own spirit and essence.

May I be filled with loving-kindness.

May I be well.

May I be peaceful and at ease.

May I be happy.

May I be appreciative and thankful.

May I be blessed with pure love and light.

May I be joyful. May I be now smiling.

May I be larger to cultivate more loving kindness.

May I be healthy.

May I live with ease.

May I be blessed.

May YOU feel ease and peace, my darlings, and may you know there are no such things as imperfections.

With love,
Tutti

// C R E D I T S //

The Refined Woman Collective
Loving kindness affirmations

 

Posing 101: The Most Useful Tips On How to Pose

When it comes to the topic of posing, most of my clients get intensely intimidated. "I have no idea what to do," or "I don't know what looks good," or "I don't know how to be sexy" are all common phrases I hear when discussing expectations with my clients. I get it, being sexy is quite a vulnerable act I'm asking from women, especially because most often they're strangers! But even though I believe sexiness and that sultry energy I love capturing is something innately within each of us, there are some general rules and tips I like to use during my shoots that make you and your body look absolutely incredible. 

All the images used in this post are completely unedited and, in my opinion, breathtaking as-is. They're all from the same test shoot with my model-friend Denka, who's an absolute joy to shoot because she exudes femininity, grace, beauty, confidence, sexiness, movement, softness and strength. In an effort to keep this article positive, I'd love to share my favorite "Do's" of posing and show you how you can apply each tip and take your photo from being stunning to magazine-worthy!

DO:

1. Elongate your body using extremities: In practicality, what this looks like is extending your arms or legs to the sides or toward the camera. With these angles, your body appears extra long and free of creases / folds that you feel extra self-conscious about.

These next three are a great example of this concept. If you're looking ONLY at the body and not the overall feel of the images, you can clearly see how the extension of the legs creates a leaner and longer perception of Denka's gorgeous body. Simply by extending her legs and propping herself up, she gives the illusion of an even longer body when looking at these from left to right. Personally though, I adore the vibe of the picture of the left, so that's the one I'd choose out of a bunch. 

2. Keep your toes pointed. This is related to the previous tip but it's a simple way to lengthen your legs even further. It's a small but noticeable difference.

3. Laugh! It doesn't get much simpler than this. I often ask my clients to start laughing and beside being a bit weird to start laughing out of nowhere, it makes for natural, fun and beautiful photographs where your beauty really shines through. Once the laughing starts, it gets to be so ridiculous that we end up laughing for a long period of time - hence the not-so-focused shots :)

4. Lean forward. This reminds me of the sticker on car mirrors that reads, "Objects in mirror are closer than they appear." In this case, "Whatever is closest to the camera appears biggest." What that means is that it's typically better to lean your upper body forward and/or toward the camera so that your waist, hips and legs appear smallest IF flattery is what you're going for.

5. Use props to cover, play and/or get variety. Props such as pillows, sheets and t-shirts are quite useful and make for sexy photos.

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6. Create shapes and move. This isn't the time to be shy or coy - instead, push your boobs together, create tons of cleavage, arch your back, throw your head back and use your arms to create space away from your body!

Arch........

Arch........

....... That back! Ahhh there it is :)

....... That back! Ahhh there it is :)

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7. FLIRT. A boudoir session is an intimate experience where you get to let your inner vixen play and be seen. It's a set time where you get to experience yourself as a sensual being and discover what that looks like. With that said, I know it's easier said that done and that this is probably the hardest tool to sharpen. But like I tell all the women I work with, this session is for YOU. Use it as a time where you explore your body, feel and do what feels sexy to you, and get your flirt on. If giving these images as a gift, believe me, your special someone wants to see you get lost in your own sensuality. And if doing this for yourself, you'll want to see and feel how gorgeous and freeing you look when you simply let go. 

That's it for now! If you're interested in learning more about the boudoir experience and how to prepare for it, check out my Boudoir E-book! I hope these tips help ease any nerves you may have and inspire you to approach your shoot with lots of excitement!

With love,

Tutti

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Model: Denka
Location: Boro Hotel
Style: White set from Victoria's Secret, Green top from Aerie and Black bodysuit from American Apparel.


 

LIVING SEXY IS... Evolving

When I first met Cyndie, she was the key speaker at a brunch event and I was immediately blown away by how much charisma, presence and confidence a woman could carry. With her huge hair and sassy, colorful style, Cyndie is the epitome of a #LadyBoss who doesn't ask for permission and instead of asking for forgiveness later, she just demands attention. 

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After the event, I went up to Cyndie to tell her I wanted us to hang out, because I was certain we'd be fast friends. A few lady dates later, turns out I was right. We'd talk about work and dreams and men and life and open up to each other as if we were lifetime buddies. She's the shit. And I'll tell you why.

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boudoirbytutti.boudoir.photography.nyc.cyndiespiegel

She's open about herself. She shares her gifts. She encourages women to pursue greatness. She's unapologetic about not pleasing everyone. She's herself. 

I asked Cyndie if I could feature her on the blog because I love the fact that she's such a gorgeous human being who's honed in on how much love and beauty she has to give. And she indeed gives it! She's a stellar example of someone who's "living sexy" because she acknowledges the ebbs and flows of life and instead of being ruled by them, she says "I'm the boss."

It's that type of confidence that sets Cyndie apart. Her presence oozes confidence and ease. Of course it's not a steady feeling, Cyndie admits, and confidence / feeling beautiful has gone through its own journey through the years.

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It shifts. It really started to shift over the age of 30 for me. Sexiness equates to confidence. It's not necessarily what others see in you but it's what emanates from you.

My legs were better when I was 25, but at 38 I feel way sexier.

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boudoirbytutti.boudoir.photography.nyc.cyndiespiegel
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boudoirbytutti.boudoir.photography.nyc.cyndiespiegel

On a smaller scale -- say, on a daily basis -- doesn't that hold true as well? Honestly, one minute I can feel like I'm rocking this whole life thing, and in the blink of an eye, it seems the world is crumbling all around me. It's maddening sometimes, but other times I realize these shifts all have a common denominator - my perspective. It's what's in charge of deciding how I feel or react to things, and I think it's also the leading cause of the grand scale beauty misconceptions among so many women. It's perspective that affirms a woman's low-level energy levels when her world seems to be on a downward spiral. It's the same perspective that provides the music for the woman to strut down the street when she's feeling powerfully beautiful. 

As with all other worldly situations, an even perspective is temporary, and when ours is lacking strength, it's important to have a community of people who are there to pick us up. 

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We all have those moments when we don't feel as grounded, we don't feel as strong within ourselves, and it's in those moments that we need women around us to be confident and stand up for us when we can't do it ourselves.

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boudoirbytutti.boudoir.photography.nyc.cyndiespiegel

I sometimes find myself wondering how the world would be if little things were to change. For instance, what would happen if all women would completely banish bashing and instead encourage sister love? What would the world look like if we all just got along? I know I said I was thinking of "little things" and you might think "everyone getting along" is no small feat, but I disagree. It's so much easier to be nice than it is to not. Cyndie and I spoke about the power of complimenting, man or woman, and how it not only has the power to turn the receiver's day around, but also your own! Spreading love and kindness is such a simple solution to so many issues, and I truly think it's as easy as it sounds. 

Starting with woman-to-woman. 

She's crazy. She's a cat lady. But she's not a "crazy cat lady." Cyndie Spiegel, everyone!

She's crazy. She's a cat lady. But she's not a "crazy cat lady." Cyndie Spiegel, everyone!

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Women need more love of other women, and support and encouragement from other women. I think sometimes women can be really judgmental of other women - we can use more of the support of each other to make each other feel attractive, confident, stable and sexy.

We have allowed the opposite sex to control what we think of as sexiness. The more women can help each other define what sexiness is, the more confident we all become. 

//

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boudoirbytutti.boudoir.photography.nyc.cyndiespiegel

Let this serve as a toast for all of us: May we love ourselves, support each other and continue building strong bonds of support and encouragement!

HAPPY MONTH OF LOVE, lovelies!

xoxo

Tutti

 

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Featured: Cyndie Spiegel

Music: Slightly Stoopid - Collie Man